Assertiveness & Interpersonal Skills

Assertiveness & Interpersonal Skills
By Jonathan Farrington

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Assertiveness skills are very important in many situations; by being assertive you are letting people know what you want, need or prefer, in a way which is acceptable to both you and them. Put simply; assertiveness is about getting what you want without upsetting anyone!

Differences Between Acquiescent, Assertive And Aggressive Behaviour:

Acquiescent:

You:

Hope that you will get what you want

Sit on your feelings

Rely on others to guess what you want

You Dont:

Ask for what you want

Express your feelings

Often get what you want

Upset people

Get noticed

Assertive:

You:

Ask for what you want directly and openly

Ask confidently and without undue anxiety

You Dont:

Violate other peoples rights

Expect other people to magically know what you want

Freeze with anxiety

Aggressive:

You:

Try to get what you want in any way that works

Often cause bad feelings in others

Threaten, cajole, manipulate, use sarcasm,

You Dont:

Respect that other people have a right to get their needs met

Look for situations in which you both might be able to get what you want (win-win situations)

Understanding and recognising assertiveness is a major step in helping you to develop your interpersonal and influencing skills.

There are two other important factors however:

-How you prefer to behave with other people

-How the people you interact with, like others to behave towards them.

For example, some people are the life and soul of the party, dress flamboyantly and speak in loud, fast voices; get two of them together and its almost a competition to see who can burst the others eardrums! Try approaching one of these people in a polite, mild-mannered and factual way and youre unlikely to make an impression.

Other people like to conduct business in a very formal way, theyre abrupt and to the point and only interested in the bottom line. Approach a meeting with these people with a barrage of questions about family, hobbies and what they did during the weekend and youve probably burned up 80% of the time theyve allocated for the meeting!

Social Styles:

How can you ensure that you approach people in the correct way?

Knowing About Social Styles, developed by Merrill and Reid, is very useful. In the Social Styles Model there are four basic styles or preferred ways of interacting with others.

Merrill and Reid believe that a persons Social Style is a way of coping with others. People become most comfortable with that style, in themselves and others.

Understanding your own style and those of others can help in making meetings more productive. The main objective of Social Styles is to help people develop versatility in dealing with others.

A persons Social Style is measured in relation to three behavioural dimensions:

-Assertiveness

-Responsiveness

-Versatility.

The Assertiveness Scale:

Measures the degree to which a person is seen as attempting to influence the thoughts, decisions or actions of others either directly by tell behaviour or by questioning, i.e.ask behaviour.

Tell Behaviour: Is risk-taking, fast-paced, challenging.

Ask Behaviour: Is co-operative, deliberate actions, minimising risks.

The Responsiveness Scale:

Measures the degree to which a person either openly expresses their feelings or controls their feelings. The ends of the scale are control and emote.

Control Behaviour: Is disciplined, serious, and cool.

Emote Behaviour: Is relationship oriented, open, and warm.

The two scales combine to give a two-dimensional model of behaviour, which will help you to understand how others perceive you. The dimensions of behaviour will also help you to plan how you can deal more effectively with people of different Social Styles.

To learn more about Social Styles, go here:How To Identify And Use Your Social Style

Copyright 2006 Jonathan Farrington. All rights reserved

Jonathan Farrington is the Managing Partner of The jfa Group To find out more about the author or to subscribe to his newsletter for dedicated sales professionals, visit http://www.jonathanfarrington.com

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